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I am fascinated by ironies. In my
work with executive coaching clients, I find that they
frequently discover that their long-held beliefs about
leadership directly contradict their actual experiences.
Frankly, they would do better to flip many of these beliefs
on their heads.
And so it is with being heard. It seems that
it’s not the person with the loudest voice that is truly
heard but, ironically, often the leader who demonstrates the
most powerful listening.
Christopher* is a charismatic leader and an exceptional
presenter. He has a particular gift for inspiring a room
full of people at a Company-wide meeting. His speeches paint
a vision of an exciting future for the company. His delivery
is polished. His stories are engaging and spoken with a
confidence that conveys his opinions as THE truth.
This gift helped Christopher to stand out as a leader early
in his career. He was bold enough to express a viewpoint and
had such a strong presence that he could command a room even
when he was not the most senior person in it.
As Christopher progressed through levels of leadership;
however, some direct reports and peers began to express
concerns. They grew tired of the story-telling and wanted
more interactive, reciprocal discussion. Frankly, they
started to see Christopher as being so focused on what he
had to say that they felt they weren’t being heard.
Christopher would describe his relationship with direct
reports by saying…“We have great dialogue!” As his coach, I
pointed out that in fact, he was having a great dialogue--
with himself—albeit in front of an audience of direct
reports. While his direct reports may have appeared to be
hanging on his words, they were not fully internalizing the
messages. There was no room for processing, questioning and
drawing on their own reactions and ideas.
I call it “speechifying”.
I challenged Christopher, “How would it be to set aside the
speech and simply listen, ask questions and explore ideas
with one other?”
Over time, as Christopher has learned to incorporate
powerful listening into his dialogue with others, he has
found his relationships have strengthened and the ownership
displayed by his staff has soared. Perhaps the most
interesting outcome is that people in the organization are
more eager to truly listen and to react to what he has to
say, rather than simply applaud for his speeches.
Coaching
Question #1: If giving speeches is a natural strength for
you…how might you be using “speechifying” on occasions where
true reciprocal dialogue would be a more connective means of
communication?
Women are often coached to “speak
up” to ensure they are heard. The traditional advice to
women in a male-dominated sector is to assert themselves
like the men and learn to communicate in a strong and
powerful voice. My response is… a resounding maybe!
For some women, gaining the conviction of their own ideas to
assert them in a group—particularly a group of men—is a
critical developmental step. There is also strong merit in
training one’s voice, learning about the use of breath and
knowing how to speak from the diaphragm instead of high-up
in a constricted throat. This is all great advice from my
voice coaching brethren.
At the same time, those of you who are disciples of
strengths-based leadership will likely relate to an
alternative strategy. What if the ticket for some women to
be heard was to actually more deliberately
leverage their innate listening skills? Rather
than just focusing on giving voice to an opinion strongly
asserted, what about…
-
listening intently to
what’s really being said?
-
asking questions to further
and deepen the discussion?
-
listening for the dots to
be connected?
-
being the bridge that helps
others hear what each another is saying?
-
listening for the
“elephants in the room”—those unspoken assumptions that
people are firmly hanging onto and are stalling
effective communication?
These are the strengths that
strong listeners can bring. And of course this applies
equally to effective listeners of either gender.
Some of you can readily “hear” (and see) the dynamics in a
room. When they see you as someone who listens so
attentively that you can hear what’s NOT being said…others
look forward to learning what you hear. They will relish
your feedback and invite your insight.
Your listening strength is your ticket to be heard.
Coaching Question #2- If you are a strong listener, how can
you leverage the power of your listening, add value to the
group and ensure that your observations and insights will be
heard?
In my
Clearing the 90-Day Hurdle™ process, when I work with
leaders moving into new organizations, I advise them that
research consistently shows that the number one success
strategy in the first 90 days is to “listen, observe and ask
questions”. Riding in on a white charger with a
pre-determined vision and strategy is great way to ensure
that an organization will turn its back on a new leader.
A leader who is new to an organization has not yet earned
the right to be heard… particularly to be heard about ways
the company needs to profoundly change course or modify it’s
vision. A receptive audience for this message (unless it’s a
clear turnaround situation for a failing business) is
nurtured through the leader providing evidence of
intentional listening, observation and reflection before the
new vision is formulated and conveyed.
Over to you for a Reflection Assignment… During the
next two weeks, I encourage you to notice—both at work and
at home-- what happens to YOUR ability to fully listen when
you don’t feel heard?
I’m interested in hearing your reactions and about ways in
which you have strengthened your own listening. Send me an
email with your feedback to
sue@development-by-design.com.
* all names and identifying details have been changed to
protect client confidentiality
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