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“But I didn’t mean to hurt him!” Those of us
who are parents have heard our children use these words
all too often in the midst of rousing horseplay. Inevitably
we respond with something like, “Of course you didn’t,
but you still need to say you’re sorry. With our
children, we try to convey the difference between what we
intend and the resultant impact of our actions.
We explain that even when we don’t plan to harm others,
sometimes they end up getting hurt by what we do.
Unfortunately, this is an insight that often gets lost in
our working lives.
In recent coaching discussions with a number of my clients,
this has been a common theme. Several have been addressing
the challenge of distinguishing between what they intend
and how they are actually perceived.
Michel* is a very caring and compassionate manager.
His direct report, Karly* is a very career-minded individual
who is eager to be promoted to the next level. Michel
has been reluctant to give Karly negative feedback because
it might be hurtful to her. The irony is that while Michel
means well, he has ended up doing a disservice to Karly
because the behaviours that she has been exhibiting are
limiting her opportunities for career advancement.
Clearly this has a far more harmful and longer-term impact
than immediate pain of a tough conversation that might help
Karly to modify her approach.
Another executive with whom I’ve worked, Tina*, had prided
herself on protecting her direct reports from excessive
demands from head office. She also shielded them from
having to give presentations, involving significant preparation
time, to the head of the division. When I asked Tina
how her “protection” was serving her direct reports, particularly
the manager who was being groomed to be her successor, she
was startled into seeing the impact of her actions in a
different light. Tina’s intention was noble… to enable
her direct reports to get on with the demands of their position
unburdened by additional requests from head office.
Yet, in doing so, Tina was not equipping her successor for
the demands of his future position.
Coach’s Question #1:
How
are you trying to "protect" someone at work
and in doing so potentially doing them a disservice?
Seeing the difference between our intentions and our impact
is often a matter of stepping into the other person’s shoes
to have a fresh look at how we are viewed. Barry*
is a very endearing and compassionate person in one-on-one
relationships. He leads a large department with numerous
direct reports. The supervisors reporting to Barry
were seeing him as cold and brusque. In trying to
deal with the heavy demands of his job and remain as objective
as possible in dealing each individual, Barry had pulled
back from spending much one-on-one time with the supervisors
reporting to him. They ended up seeing Barry having
no interest in them. Once Barry recognized the difference
between how he wanted to be seen as a leader and how he
was being perceived, he was able to start mending relationships,
spend more one-on-one time with his direct reports and leverage
his time better by getting more accomplished through others.
Over time, his image as a leader shifted dramatically.
To assist employees in discovering how they are perceived,
many organizations implement 360-degree feedback processes
in which input is solicited from an employee’s boss, peers
and direct reports. For some, the feedback can come
as a shock. When employees review the reports from
such assessments, a common reaction is to deny the results
by saying “see, they don’t know who I really am….I’m
not like that”. Stepping back, of course, we recognize
that in our working lives, our intentions are not enough…it’s
what people see and perceive that counts. When who
you are is not aligned with how people see you, there is
a critical disconnect that needs to be examined.
Coach’s
Question #2:
What
do you do to obtain feedback on how you are perceived?
A final example of the importance of aligning intent with
impact is looking at communication within organizations.
Issues related to communication are some of the most common
causes of annoyance and confusion at work. It seems
that the childhood game of “broken telephone” is all too
often replicated in our workplaces. What we intend
to say is not the same as what people hear. It’s as
if we expect people to read our minds. George Bernard
Shaw noted that, “The
greatest problem with communication is the illusion that
it has been accomplished”.
When discussing communication challenges, some clients will
look at me with wonder asking, “What is it about these
people that they don’t hear what I’m saying?” Eventually
they are able to look at the repeated pattern and see their
own role in ensuring that the impact of their communications
has the desired intent.
Coach’s Question #3:
What
can you do to check in on what people are actually hearing
you say?
OVER TO YOU for a self-reflection exercise ...…
What do you need to do over the next 2 months to create
better alignment between your intent and your impact?
I’m interested in hearing your stories about how you have
achieved this alignment or where you have noticed others
around you wrestling with this challenge. Send me
an email with your feedback or questions to
sue@development-by-design.com
* all names and identifying details have been changed
to protect client confidentiality
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